Boundaries are a vast topic, easily taken up by surface level, pop psychology, or Instagram-worthy short quips – “Saying no isn’t selfish!”. That being said, we are innately more complicated as human beings than what can be captured by our social media feeds. Boundaries are a cornerstone of healthy living, bolstering our mental wellness, and creating healthy relationships. Boundaries can be damn hard to figure out; if we have them, what they are, how to engage them, or how to engage them without toppling into guilt or confusion afterward. Often, boundaries are considered unique whether we live in an individualistic or collectivist culture or belong to an equity-seeking or marginalized group. Confused yet?
Here are some introductory basics to keep in mind. Boundaries fundamentally establish where one ends and the other begins. There are different types of boundaries, across different settings and different relationships – physical, emotional, financial, sexual, personal, work, and family. We all need boundaries to protect us from harm, unhealthy relationships, repetitive toxic patterns, establish what is acceptable to us, sustain ourselves in our myriad of roles, and, connect us to others. They can range from saying no to an outing, asking for help when we need it, shifting the focus in a meeting to quitting a job, or ending a marriage. They can fluctuate, be rigid, or be flexible based on a variety of factors.
Often boundaries are confusing for a mix of reasons (see above) because we learned to ignore our feelings, which are a strong indicator of the need for a boundary. They can be confusing if we were raised with few or no boundaries, if our boundaries were or are repeatedly violated or if we’ve been told we are not good enough. Sometimes we can get caught up in believing that suggesting to others how to behave is a boundary – “you need to stop that and do it differently”. However, a boundary is more of a line we draw for ourselves and communicate to others – “This is not comfortable or acceptable to me and I cannot be part of it”.
Our bodies and brains can work for us to tell us when we need to set a boundary. We often feel stressed, trapped, angry, or anxious and magnify all these feelings if we are resisting and surviving abuse. Setting boundaries is an incredible skill that can be learned, practiced, adapted, reviewed, or updated.
Need help with any or all of this? At Synergy, we can compassionately, and effectively help you explore your boundaries and take action.